NIK SIMONS GAIN LINE: The alternative end of season awards

NIK SIMON’S GAIN LINE: From the bits we didn’t print to weight watchers prize for the lock who shed three stone – the alternative end of season awards

  • It has been a fine season on the international and domestic front for rugby 
  • Here, Gain Line puts together some light-hearted awards for some figures  
  • There was plenty of priceless quips from interviews that didn’t go to print 

Farewell to a fine season. Wales won the Grand Slam, Saracens are kings of Europe and the World Cup beckons… it has been a grand old season and the Gain Line offers a few memories and some light-hearted awards…

THEY SAID IT… WE DIDN’T PRINT IT

A 20-something singleton: ‘Any chance you could send me the photos so I can put them on my Tinder profile?’

A working-class forward: ‘I swallowed my gold grill [teeth] while eating McDonald’s on a team social.’

A not-so-working-class back: ‘Please could you remove the swearing so my grandma doesn’t kill me.’

A Pacific Islander: ‘The funny thing about Manu [Tuilagi] liking Billy [Vunipola’s] post is that his own brother’s a cross-dresser.’

A Scotsman in France: ‘Is it OK if I bring my mum along?’

One player was quipped about Manu Tuilagi's cross-dressing brother in an interview

One player was quipped about Manu Tuilagi’s cross-dressing brother in an interview

MAXIMUS DECIMUS MERIDIUS TRIBUTE ACT

‘Let them hear us in Northampton, let them hear us in Bath, let them hear us in Coventry. For we want to be heard. Together we dream, together we believe, together we will achieve.’

— Paul Gustard, Harlequins coach in his programme notes, May 3, 2019.

Paul Gustard gave his finest Gladiator impression to write up his programme notes last month

Paul Gustard gave his finest Gladiator impression to write up his programme notes last month

GOLDEN WRISTS AWARD

Things could only get better for Danny Cipriani… and they most certainly did. After his ‘golden wrists’ were un-cuffed by Jersey police officers at the start of the season, he went on to become the player of the season with ball-playing skills better than any No 10 in the league.

SEASON SOUNDTRACK

‘It’s raining men,’ which was wittily played by the Bristol stadium DJ when Billy Vunipola’s Saracens arrived in the eye of his homophobia storm.

EXPENSIVE CLANGER

Freddie Burns will think twice about blowing anymore kisses. Celebrating before he had scored backfired as Maxime Medard appeared from nowhere to knock the ball out of his hands. Bath’s Euro campaign was left in tatters and Club owner Bruce Craig demanded a rematch, naturally.

Freddie Burns will think twice about blowing anymore kisses after his Champion Cup blunder

Freddie Burns will think twice about blowing anymore kisses after his Champion Cup blunder

I’LL DRINK TO THAT…

In the era of ultra-professionalism, Alex Goode’s three-day, full-kit bender after winning the Champions Cup final was something of a throwback.

RED HERRING SCORELINE

Toulon 25-26 Newcastle. The Falcons travelled to France and toppled the mighty Stade Mayol, but it was freefall from there. The Premiership will be a poorer place without its northern outpost.

WEIGHT WATCHERS PRIZE

The Saracens nutritionists who helped Will Skelton shed three stone to become the most improved player in the Premiership. If Slim Fast are looking for a new brand ambassador…

Will Skelton shed three stone to become the most improved player in the Premiership

Will Skelton shed three stone to become the most improved player in the Premiership

BORIS JOHNSON-TYPE MANOEUVRING

Jobs for the boys behind the scenes in English rugby as Premiership chief executive Mark McCafferty prepares to take up a new role with investors CVC.

 

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